dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
