So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
