Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
