i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
