the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
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we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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