Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
