onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
