We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
