Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
