My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it hurts more in the daytime
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
