I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
