Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
