Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
