i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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