there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
