We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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