I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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