Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
