You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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