There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
