He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
