Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
