Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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