I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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