She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
