Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
