my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
