I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
