Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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