I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
