i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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