Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
