I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
