There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
