It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
