my phone needs a breathalizer
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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