how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
