I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish I only lived at night.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
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I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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