mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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