I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
