you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
