My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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