How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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