idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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