I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
