I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
