please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
