I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
