Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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