I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
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It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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