I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
