and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
