I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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