OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
