I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
