New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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