My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
