I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
