I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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